In today’s world, rape is an occurrence that would forever be a blazing issue in society. Victims of rape now have a lot to cope with, re-integrating into the society that naturally stigmatizes and attributes the incident to the female’s fault. It is even more demoralizing when a person’s loved one is guilty of the crime?
In a repressive society, the consequences and trauma of rape on the victim run deep, and only the healing balm of time can heal the wound. However, the scars are always there, although hidden behind beautiful and radiant smiles.
I have a lot to say, of course, because the residue of the incident still plagues my mind. It is not the actual act, nor my father, but self-esteem, trust, and love issues. Do I even understand these emotions? Although I am on this journey of healing, I still feel the burning anger in me every time those thoughts flash through my mind. There is this constant fear of whether I can truly love again. Where have I been? Can I truly let go and let Yahweh take control?
Okay, first things first! Healing is a painfully slow process. Well, no one ever told me there was an expressway to being whole again. However, I decided to go through it no matter how long it takes. I started with confronting myself with the truth, for it would be double jeopardy to lie to myself.
I hated myself for allowing it to happen to me; really, I struggled with anger and I was ready to vent it onto people who dared to question me. I was on the verge of losing it, but when I was almost at the edge of it all, I stopped short! I called it by name- Rape, again and again until it no longer hurt as much, and until I no longer cringed in fear. I learned how to communicate with my emotions without always being on the defensive. Truly, I also slowed down on feeling attacked, especially when innocent people meant no harm to me. I am more assertive with what I want, and I can effectively say my mind while refusing what I don’t.
Through it all, some passages of the scripture helped me:
Jeremiah 29:11(KJV) says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”
Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as Yahweh for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
Indeed, these and more gave me strength, as I allowed them to get infused into my very being. I confessed love to myself, looked into the mirror, and decided I was beautiful and that Yahweh’s plan for me was still intact.
It has become my decision to seek Elohim to guide my steps and purposefully live in His Will and please Him. I no longer find faults with or victimize myself because old things have passed away, and I have become new.
To be candid, thoughts of accusation sometimes pop up asking me if I am not a hypocrite writing on topics such as healing and forgiveness. As quickly as they arise, I battle them in my mind for if Yahweh has not condemned me, no one and no thought can condemn me. Although I do not have all the answers as I am still on my journey towards total healing, nothing can back me down.
I believe there are still numerous victims of rape out there, and I sincerely hope you can also commence your healing process by allowing Yahweh, letting go, and letting Yahweh. Would you rather harbor hatred the hatred which keeps you in bondage to dwell within you, or be free to grow, pursue all that Yahweh wants you to be, and truly love again? This question is indeed, only yours to answer.